i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
