peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
