A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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