if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
