I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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