i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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