then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
