Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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