Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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