someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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