i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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