dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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