We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
