Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
3 2 1 whiskey
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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