life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
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