i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
