Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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