i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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