the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
