she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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