now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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