Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
