A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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