One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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