this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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