Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
