And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
pray to the hookup gods
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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