it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
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