there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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