i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
