found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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