tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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