The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Randomize
