in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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