The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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