Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
