she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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