When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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