Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
