Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
