So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Someone came in the potted fern
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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