Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
