finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
