no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Randomize
