Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
