I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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