Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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