I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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