as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Couch. On fire.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
