even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
