if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
