Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize