if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
