I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
