somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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