I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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