Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
