Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
