What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
