so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
