Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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