and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize